Change

In a previous post I was very hard on my mom, the choices she’d made, and how thankful I was that she was my mom and showed me what I didn’t want in my life, how I never wanted to make my children feel. Addiction is a nasty, despicable thing that ruins lives, kills, and separates sufferers from those they love. Often times they blame everyone and everything around them for whatever is wrong in their lives so to never take the blame themselves. They distance themselves from loved ones and make choices, that if they were in their right mind, they would be appalled by. Not many who have an addiction, even those who are strong, can ever beat it. I must say, that my mom, after many years of addiction, has changed. There is a long rocky road ahead and she may stumble but I can say that she is now someone that I can say I’m proud of and I look up to for beating the demons down, for finding better things in life. It may have taken her more than 20 years to see the error of her ways but she is ‘my mom’ again and not just an empty, mean person.  I haven’t had that since grade school. She has worked so hard, gotten her license back, has a good job and is trying to be the best mother and grandmother that she can. I know it’s hard and that you can’t get lost time back but looking into the future, I think she has a lot going for her and I know she will do her best to make us all proud of her. Unfortunately, this isn’t a post I thought I would ever write. Sadly, I thought one day I would be writing one about her untimely death due to an overdose or a drug deal gone bad. I am so thankful for the fact that I was wrong. I love my mother and I am glad she is strong enough to beat her addiction, to admit her wrong doing, and try to unite her family around her. She may not have lived an amazing life of great achievement but she has made the greatest achievement of her life and I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud!

Absolute Disgust

To say I’m livid would be the understatement of the year. My seven year old child was sent to the office today with a cheese sandwich and a carton of milk for lunch. He does not receive free or reduced lunches. He had fallen negative in his lunch account and was singled out from the other students, embarrassed, and left hungry because of an error on my part. He had no control over his lunch account balance. I find it disgusting that school admins, teachers, and support staff find this acceptable. I find it even more disturbing that there are children who are given free or reduced lunches and the school goes to such lengths to ensure that those children are never made to feel differently. My taxes and school tuition goes to cover those children while my child sat in the office and ate a damn cheese sandwich. How is this justified? How do they choose which child it is okay to humiliate?
Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that the free and reduced lunch program exists. All children should have meals while at school but I feel that it is unjust and extremely disgusting that a paying child be treated so unfairly and different than a child who receives free lunches just because he falls behind on lunch money. Where have we gone wrong as a society when we punish an innocent child over something beyond their control?

Insomnia and Angels

Tonight as I sit onĀ  my computer editing photos and adding some to my photography page I wish sleep would come. I have never been diagnosed with insomnia but I am sure I have it. I can’t ever sleep. When I do finally sleep it is out of pure exhaustion. I have tried numerous things, sleepy time tea, melatonin, lorazapam (I know I spelled that wrong), Benadryl, lavender and the list goes on. Some things may help some but I just don’t seem to be able to drift off.

Although I feel like this is a curse it also gives me the opportunity to see my boys as they sleep.. They look so much like angels. When they wake to use the bathroom or because of a dream I am there to help. I get to hear their sweet sleepy voices and look into those big sleepy eyes. These boys melt my heart.

My youngest is three now and is finally making it through the night without wetting his pants. He just woke to use the bathroom. I watched him crawl from his bed with his paw patrol blanket and walk sleepily into the living room to ask me to go “biff me”. When I put him back to bed and tucked him I he told me that I was the “bess.” They continue to surprise me with their kind little hearts and it kills me that they are growing so fast. I can’t stand the thought of them not being my little babies anymore.

I hate that I am always tired due to lack of sleep and I hate the fight to fall asleep but I feel lucky that I get the precious time with my little angels. Rather than being cursed with insomnia I am so glad that my boys know that no matter the time, no matter if I am asleep, I am happy for those precious moments.

#sweetbabies #littlebutnotsolittle #sleepingangels

Because of you

Because of you, I am better than you;

Because of you, I will not allow myself to fail;

Because of you, I will allow my children to see that at times I am weak, they will see the strength and honesty in that.

You taught me at a young fragile age what disappointment was and the pain of being let down. Even though as an eight year old girl sitting silently on the couch with my backpack of clothes clinging to the hope that you might just show up this time, I didn’t understand, I get it now. You were put in my life to show me what not to do. I learned how to love from those who lifted me back up each time you let me down. I learned from you how I never wanted to make another human being feel, especially my children.

You have come in and out of my life at your leisure. You have stolen from me, used me, and stomped on a heart that never had anything but love for you. You have never grown up. When you need a hand out you call. If I can give it to you you love me, when I can’t you are pissed and I feel guilty. Either way it goes I know I won’t hear from you for six months or a year or until the next time you need something. Although, every time you call me I am so happy to hear your voice and there is still a childish hope deep inside that maybe things will be different.

Every time I hear of a body found near the area where I think you live I worry it might be you. See I don’t have an address for you or a phone number. All I know is the general area.

I know I have shown you in a bad light here, but really what I want to do is to thank you for being such an awful mother. I had a wonderful father and a grandmother who loved me. They taught me compassion, care and respect. They made sure I took the right path in life. And you, well you made sure I didn’t take the wrong one. I guess in the end it worked out because you showed me what I never wanted to become. You showed me what feeling unloved by your mother feels like. So, in the end I am actually very greatful for having you for a mother because there was absolutely no way in hell I would travel the same path as you in life. Even though you don’t know it you helped to mold me into the person I am and steer me down the road to success. Thanks for being a rotten mom. Because of you I am strong. Because of you I am not a failure. Because of you I will never let my children down. Because of you I am better than you.