Change

In a previous post I was very hard on my mom, the choices she’d made, and how thankful I was that she was my mom and showed me what I didn’t want in my life, how I never wanted to make my children feel. Addiction is a nasty, despicable thing that ruins lives, kills, and separates sufferers from those they love. Often times they blame everyone and everything around them for whatever is wrong in their lives so to never take the blame themselves. They distance themselves from loved ones and make choices, that if they were in their right mind, they would be appalled by. Not many who have an addiction, even those who are strong, can ever beat it. I must say, that my mom, after many years of addiction, has changed. There is a long rocky road ahead and she may stumble but I can say that she is now someone that I can say I’m proud of and I look up to for beating the demons down, for finding better things in life. It may have taken her more than 20 years to see the error of her ways but she is ‘my mom’ again and not just an empty, mean person.  I haven’t had that since grade school. She has worked so hard, gotten her license back, has a good job and is trying to be the best mother and grandmother that she can. I know it’s hard and that you can’t get lost time back but looking into the future, I think she has a lot going for her and I know she will do her best to make us all proud of her. Unfortunately, this isn’t a post I thought I would ever write. Sadly, I thought one day I would be writing one about her untimely death due to an overdose or a drug deal gone bad. I am so thankful for the fact that I was wrong. I love my mother and I am glad she is strong enough to beat her addiction, to admit her wrong doing, and try to unite her family around her. She may not have lived an amazing life of great achievement but she has made the greatest achievement of her life and I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud!

Someone is Missing

In 1995 I was in 6th grade and mourning the loss of my barrel horse Sassy. I never thought I would find a replacement that I could ever love like I had her. One crisp fall day my grandma, who raised me, told me she had called about a four year old gelding and we were going to look at him. I so excited about the prospect of getting a new horse but also didn’t have a lot of faith that he would make the cut. We made the hour drive to see him. After I rode him I knew he was the one. He was full of spit and vinegar. He was the most beautiful horse I had ever seen and I was instantly in love. Standing 17 hands tall he was packed with muscle. His coat was sorrel with two high white socks and a twister on his head for a blaze. Over the next several years Twister took me to the top in our horse show circuit. He was faster than blue blazes and put on a heck of a show! I rode him parades and rodeos. I always felt like kind of a hot shot when I was on his back. In parades he would canter in place and prance sideways. The ooo’s  and ahh’s from the crowd made me feel pretty special. No matter where we were he stole the show. Twister was absolutely amazing. After I retired him from barrel racing he was still ridden regularly and about 5 years ago my boys started riding him around home. When they were on him he knew his job was babysitter. He would trudge along and make sure that they were well taken care of. This horse show season we’ve had two shows and Twister is not standing in my pasture any longer. Two months ago we said goodbye to him. I have never felt so miserable or helpless as I did the day he came up ill. I’m 31 and have had sadness and heartbreak but I have never had heartbreak in my life that came close to losing Twister. He was my best friend from the day he came home with me. We grew up together and we were an awesome team that competitors hated to see pulling into the rodeo grounds. Then after his retirement he continued to give his sweet heart and love to me. It’s hard knowing he is no longer around to tell my secrets to or to stand out in the pasture and pet his soft coat and look at his sweet face. As much sorrow as his passing has brought me, I wouldn’t change it because I got to know the most amazing, sweet soul that God put on this earth. I got to call him my best friend for 20 years. I will always remember all the wonderful adventures we went on and all of great time I spent with him.

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Hats Off to You

  
On November 16th, 2012 my sister got a call that rocked her world and send us all into shock. Her fiancé SGT. Channing Bo Hicks was killed in action when an IED went off in the area he was patrolling in Afgahnistan. He wasn’t the only soldier killed in that attack. Bo had only six weeks until he was due home. He left behind two children and a loving family.  

I think when people think about Veterans Day they don’t always think about the cost paid to insure we have the rights that we so enjoy. There is a huge cost many times it is a life or lives, it may be an arm or a leg or it maybe that the soldier comes home so traumatized by war that they can’t function in society. 

I want to challenge anyone who reads this to do something to show a veteran that you appreciate their sacrifice. I don’t care if it’s just saying thank you or buying him a meal. I don’t care what but do something.  I know sometimes it can be hard because you don’t want to bring up something that may cause them pain but I promise they will love to know you care and that what they did for you means something. 

To all the soldiers and families who have served I want to say thank you. Every one of us who get to enjoy or freedom is forever indebted to you. Freedom is not free and there is a high cost. To the men and women who are brave enough to make that sacrifice, hats off to you. 

Insomnia and Angels

Tonight as I sit on  my computer editing photos and adding some to my photography page I wish sleep would come. I have never been diagnosed with insomnia but I am sure I have it. I can’t ever sleep. When I do finally sleep it is out of pure exhaustion. I have tried numerous things, sleepy time tea, melatonin, lorazapam (I know I spelled that wrong), Benadryl, lavender and the list goes on. Some things may help some but I just don’t seem to be able to drift off.

Although I feel like this is a curse it also gives me the opportunity to see my boys as they sleep.. They look so much like angels. When they wake to use the bathroom or because of a dream I am there to help. I get to hear their sweet sleepy voices and look into those big sleepy eyes. These boys melt my heart.

My youngest is three now and is finally making it through the night without wetting his pants. He just woke to use the bathroom. I watched him crawl from his bed with his paw patrol blanket and walk sleepily into the living room to ask me to go “biff me”. When I put him back to bed and tucked him I he told me that I was the “bess.” They continue to surprise me with their kind little hearts and it kills me that they are growing so fast. I can’t stand the thought of them not being my little babies anymore.

I hate that I am always tired due to lack of sleep and I hate the fight to fall asleep but I feel lucky that I get the precious time with my little angels. Rather than being cursed with insomnia I am so glad that my boys know that no matter the time, no matter if I am asleep, I am happy for those precious moments.

#sweetbabies #littlebutnotsolittle #sleepingangels

Riding with my grandma

Have you ever ridden in the car with your grandma? Did you fear your end may be close due to the decision you Made to climb in the passengers side of her vehicle? Well, today I regret the decision to do just that. My grandma is a very careful person and she actually used to train people to drive buses. I know scary, right? No, she didn’t used to scare me. What she used to do was drive REALLY slooooow!

She was a very good driver but as she has aged her driving has suffered. She has a 1/2 mile long driveway that’s she drives faster on than she does on the road. Even though she drives slow you still have to slow down more for a stop sign but today Granny raced right up to the stop sign and slammed on the breaks sending our drinks flying. Then she asked me if there was a bunji cord in the car that I could strap them down with. What!!

When we got to town once again my life was threatened when she decided to get in the oncoming lane while leaving a parking lot. I started shreking for her to get back into her own lane when I saw traffic turning at full blast into the parking lot even though she sat in their path. “Well, there were no lines,” she says. “How do you know that was the wrong lane.” Um, well, maybe the fact that we have been here a million times and maybe, just maybe the cars that are heading right toward us would be a good clue! Now she is crossing 4 lanes of traffic to make a left turn from the right turn lane. Please pray for my survival! 😅

#lovemygrams #stillmyhero


Loneliness

Today as I sit alone in the house and watch the fire burn in the fireplace I am lonely. Something that I never thought I would be again as I am married and have been for eight years. I also have three wonderful keep you on your toes wild little country boys. My two oldest boys are at school and the youngest is spending the day with daddy who happened to have the day off work. I was so happy that he took Hayden when he went to run his errands because I thought I would be getting some much needed time to myself. For the first few minutes I was relieved to be alone but now as a few hours have passed I am starting to get lonely. I love having my family surrounding me even when they are driving me crazy. Just as I couldn’t  wait to get my time alone I am hoping it comes to an end soon because I am so looking forward to my house being loud and messy and full of rambunctious boys to keep me busy and drive me crazy soon! 💜

#lovemyboys #crazywildboys

Where is your class?!?!

So, I’m not one to put my nose in the middle of other people’s business and definitely not one to believe everything you see in smut magazines or that you read online. Actually, I usually laugh when I see something about a celebrity because most likely it is waaayyyy off base. When I heard the news of Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert’s split like all country music fans I held out hope that they would get back together even amidst the rumored relationship Blake was having with Gwen Stephani. Now, Blake himself rebutted those claims, right? I know that just as my business is mine and your’s is your’s, Blake, Miranda and Gwen also want and deserve their privacy. They also know that when you are in the public eye privacy is a word that doesn’t mean much.

I don’t have anything against Gwen or Blake but I was very surprised at the lack of class shown when they decided to go public with their relationship on the same day that the CMAs were going to be held. I mean, come on! Did they really think that was the right time or was there some other motive? I don’t think I’m the only one asking that question and I know I’m not the only one who noticed that Miranda seemed a little off last night. I felt for her as I’m sure many other country music fans did but I was glad to see her step up to the plate and go on with the show.

Yesterday should have been a happy day for all of those who were nominated for an award and those who won an award. It is unfortunate that some couldn’t hold off on their ‘good’ news, if that’s what you want to call it, for just long enough for a night that is supposed to happy for all those attending to be just that. I find it sad that people who know the hurt of a divorce would want to rub something like that in someone’s face who may not be taking it all in stride. After all they have been lying about their relationship for a while now. Would one more day have killed them? Kudos to Miranda for her awards, performing like a boss and keeping her class through everything!

#didn’tyourmamateachyoumanners? #whereisyourclass? #teamMiranda #hecan’trideinyourlittleredwagon!